Annoying People and Things in the Arts: Art, Music, Film and Television

• George Saunders
• Celebrity hybrid names: “TomKat” and “Brangelina” and “Bennifer”
• Celebrities who write children's books.
• Programming about subjects like plankton and people who are entertained by them.
• Carson Daly and Tara Reid, both as couple and individuals
• Russell Crowe
• Tom Green
• Jennifer Love Hewitt, especially her nickname "Love"
• Kim Cattrall
• Mindbender films.
• The movie "Dune."
• Uber-Enabler Pamela Anderson, particularly her liver problems
• Anna Nicole. There are simply no words.
• TV show and film plots that involve elite commando squads.
• Frida Kahlo and her eyebrow. Note "eyebrow," not "eyebrows."
• J. Lo "Jenny From the Hood" and her men and their shopping sprees and smootches and photo ops and SUVs and turkey-of-a-movie projects.
• Every single solitary thing about and having to do with the Man Show, clearly the beginning of the end of civilization. My sister cites Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carola as particularly annoying. I trust her.
• The Weakest Link.
• Foreign actresses who act in American films, speaking with American accents, and American actresses who take on roles for Brits, like Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love
• Paul McCartney, his wife Heather, her leg, his daughter, the daughter's clothing designs, his late wife and her vegetarianism, his millions of dollars, and their divorce.
• The Wedding of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones
• Irish song lyrics, as in: Paddy went down to buy a pint and he never came home again, again, no, he never came home again
• The stupid commercial for Kahlua Muddslide, which includes a lame, bogus cover version of the Stones’ Brown Sugar
• Any car commercials except ads for the new VW.
• Especially loathsome are Mazda commercials with that "feel the road" song and Toyota Sale-a-Thon commercials with the manic, screaming emcee.
• Any modern remakes of classic songs and movies
• Television commercials for mutual funds and other financial services that target the rich
• Old Navy commercials on TV
• The difference between violins and violas
• Rapper Li'l Kim
• Actress Annette O'Toole
• Actor Jason Patric
• Yusuf Islam/Cat Stevens
• Country singer Jo Dee Messina
• Christian Slater
• Richard Marx
• Oprah Winfrey, especially her book list, film, chefs, and diets
• Kenny G
• Barbra Streisand
• Steven Spielberg
• Jean Claude Van Damme
• Michael Stipe
• Friends cast, especially Courtney Cox, because she’s a good actress who keeps acting in schlock
• Leonardo Di Caprio, especially his eyebrows and recent porkiness
• Marisa Tomei
• The white streak in Kitty Bartholomew's very dark hair
• All celebrity lesbians: Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, Anne Heche, KD Lang, and Chastity Bono
• Garth Brooks
• Gen X femme singers: Jewel, Fiona Apple, Sara McLachlin, Tori Amos, Sheryl Crow, Paula Cole (especially her crooked mouth), Shawn Colvin, and who cares who else and what they have to say
• They were all at the Lillith Fair, so add that, too
• Steven Seagal
• Untalented sitcom actresses: Tea Leoni, Jenna Elfman, Brooke Shields, and so many more
• Elizabeth Hurley, her loves and frequently broken heart.
• Mariah Carey
• Aerosmith, except Steve Tyler’s lips
• Woody Allen and Soon Yi
• Tom Cruise, the King of Dull
• Katie Holmes, his latest concubine
• Clint Eastwood and his illegitimate kids and ex-wives and ex-lovers, and especially his novel
• Snoop Doggy Dogg
• Puff Daddy (but not P Diddy)
• Burt Reynolds
• Movies with computer characters, like Toy Story and Antz.
• Fabio
• Child actors, especially former child actors like Mac Caulkin
• The cult surrounding Kurt Cobain
• MTV, which doesn’t play music at all
• Bad man Bobby Brown and wife-diva Whitney Houston, except her voice
• David Copperfield
• David Copperfield’s former paid ex-girlfriend Claudia Schiffer
• Celebrities like ET anchor Mary Hart who own homes in Montana and Colorado and Idaho, with the exception of Andie MacDowell and Ted Turner and Robert Redford. They’re all okay.
• Kevin Costner
• Mel Gibson
• Toni Braxton and her taste in evening wear, which revolves around two-sided tape
• R.Kelly, his song about flying, and his 5-part mini-series song
• Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows (the rest of him is OK)
• Jacko
• Jacko’s fecund ex-wife, Deborah.
• Lisa Rinna, especially her lips
• Kathy Lee and Frank, and Frank’s hotel mistress, and Kathy Lee’s children, especially Coty or Cody, and Kathy Lee’s singing voice, and Regis and Kathy Lee’s producer, Gelman, and Regis’ alma mater, Notre Dame.
• Kim Basinger
• Watermelon-smashing, 70s-clothes-wearing comedian Gallagher
• The on-air personalities of Entertainment Tonight (ET), especially Mary Hart and Julie Moran and Jann Carl
• Former ET personality turned New Age musician, John Tesh, especially his cereal box and frequent use of ET to plug his music
• John Tesh
• Yoko Ono, particularly her dark, oversized glasses and way of speaking
• Xtreme artists like Henry Rollins and Prodigy and NIN, especially NINs lead singer, Trent Reznor, but they do have one cool video and so does Tool.
• Michael Bolton
• Minnie Driver
• Billy Zane, especially his eyes and smile
• Julian Lennon
• Peter Fonda’s forehead, which keenly resembles that of an alien
• Carly Simon’s gaping smile
• Steve Tyler’s gaping smile. His lips are okay, but his smile is too big
• Celtic entertainers, including, Michael Flatley and Sinead O’Connor
• Celebrity Scientologists
• Salma Hayek
• Celebrity animal activists, including Tipi Hedren, Doris Day, Bob Barker, Kim Novak, Bridgette Bardot, and especially Kim Basinger with her beagles and elephants Jeremy Irons
• Robin Williams’ furry body
• Jim Carrey
• Faith Hill
• Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, the very fertile couple
• Over-scalpeled divas like Faye Dunaway and Cher
• Beck, I think, but I’m not sure.
• Manic, real mother searching performance artist Reno
• The constantly-muttering Liam Neeson
• Harry Hamlin’s wife Lisa Rinna
• Joan Baez
• Pete Seeger
• Comedians who ‘go’ serious, like Whoopi and Robin Williams and Michael Keaton
• Juliana Margolies
• Holly Hunter’s voice
• The ubiquitous David Sanborn
• Peter Gabriel
• Julia Roberts’s love life
• Eastern European films
• Sex-symbol celebrities who ‘go’ serious, like Sharon Stone
• Non-sex symbol celebrities who ‘go’ sexy, like Janet Jackson and Mariah Cary
• The white-eyed Judy Collins
• Seal’s cheeks
• X Files whiner David Duchovny and his over-acting wife, Tea Leoni
• Dr. Quinn and her viewers’ cult
• CDs featuring the music of bagpipes, didgeridoos, pan pipes and such
• Improvisational jazz
• Jewel’s poetry book
• Sonny Bono’s mom
• Jack Nicholson’s common law something-or-other, Rebecca Broussard, especially her lips
• Robin Givens, whose latest marriage lasted 24 hours
• People who pick on Jerry Springer
• Anthony “Zorba” Quinn
• Filmmaker Ken Burns
• Kirstie Alley
• David Caruso
• Carol Burnett, especially her Tarzan yodel and plastic surgery
• TV judges, especially Ed Koch
• Scott Rudin
• Phone thrower Joel Silver
• Frank Sinatra’s kids
• Pip-squeak bully Gary Coleman
• Montel Williams
• Singer Ray Stevens
• Inside the Actors Studio host and producer James Lipton
• Gauguin
• Lou Diamond Phillips
• Richard Gere and his visit to the Balkans and general political self-actualization.
• Pierce Brosnan
• Robert Altman and all his films
• Warren Beatty
• The Elton [John] II candle collection
• Olivia Newton John, Country Singer. Especially her dolphin-filled music video for the song, “Precious Love.”
• Andre Rieu
• Marlee Matlin
• Any art with the word "virgin" or "vagina" in the title
• Harps and the harpists who play them
• Yoko Ono’s merchandising of John Lennon, especially his art and especially the book of John’s art for Sean