Food and Sports: Two Really Annoying Things That Go Together

Annoying Foods
• Ketchup marked "Fancy Ketchup," as opposed to, I guess, "Unfancy Ketchup" or "Ordinary Ketchup."
• Salt water taffy
• Exotic fruits you can't tell apart, like guavas and papayas and starfruit.
• Bamboo shoots in Chinese food
• Phloem bundles, which are the stringy things on bananas. The term is pronounced FLOM and they carry nutrition to all parts of the banana. In fact, strings on any fruit are annoying.
• The salt on salt bagels and soft pretzels
• Banana-flavored anything
• Garbanzo beans
• Yogurt
• Cheese doodles
• White grape juice
• American cooking, the upscale kind
• Fajitas
• Pruneburgers, a patty made of hamburger mixed with prune puree, and offered in public schools as a healthy low fat lunch alternative
• Brummel & Brown Spread. The newest butter imitator, made with yogurt and vegetable oil.
• Broccoli in Chinese food
• Broccoli in general
• Sourdough bread
• Mayonnaise (vinegar + mustard + eggs = a bad combination), the single worst food ever created. Especially the big restaurant sized gallon jars.
• Japanese food: raw seafood which should be cooked and cooked veggies which should be raw
• Cream cheese and sour cream derivatives, including cheesecake and worst of all, cheesecake pudding and yogurt
• Any and all fast food French fries except McDonalds.
• Curry powder
• Balsamic and other ‘flavored’ vinegars
• Thomas’ English muffins, which aren’t, except for the maple syrup flavored ones. Nor are their bagels authentic.
• The fat substitute Olestra
• Chic foods, including goat cheese, ‘gourmet greens,’ like arugula, and shiitake mushrooms
• How you can’t tell onions from celery from cabbage in Chinese food
• The practice by Chinese and Mexican restaurants of putting lima beans in rice. Green beans and carrots are bad enough.
• Chocolate sodas, like YooHoo
• Other flavored sodas like peach and strawberry soda
• Cereal based on cookies and candy, except for Oreo O’s, which are great.
• Non-dairy creamers, “Dow Cow.”
• Anything involving blooming onions, including Outback restaurant and gadgets used for creating blooming onions
• Shoo-fly pie
• Breakfast cereal, except oatmeal
Really Annoying Things About the Already Annoying World of Sports
• Brandy Chastain
• Kobe Bryant's pitch for Nutella hazelnut spread. As if.
• Any and all things having to do with pro-Volleyball
• Reggie White, Orator
• Xtreme Sports, especially skateboarding, snowboarding, and the language thereof
• Playoffs
• Team-hopping NFL coach George Seifert
• Collegiate auto racing
• Martina Hingis
• John Madden
• Champions for Christ leader Greg Feste
• Any and all pro tennis players
• John Elway’s wife
• John Elway’s wife. Again.
• Michigan’s ex-basketball coach, Steve Fischer
• The sport called, “Speed Golf”
• PJ Carlesimo
• Tara Lipinski
• The cult of golf, for example, conversations about golf, clothes for golf, golf resorts, TV coverage of golf, and especially books, training tapes, and magazine and newspaper articles about golf.
• Speed skaters’ thighs
• Latrell Sprewell
• Baseball. Just what is the infield fly rule anyway? And then there’s all that spitting and picking.
• The NBA, especially players’ proclivity for fathering illegitimate children
• Nike CEO Phil Knight (he gets a second listing under Business)
• Titans’ building their teams new sports stadiums at public expense, especially George Steinbrenner and
• Art Modell
• Trekking and treks
• Notre Dame University
• Ki-Jana Carter
• Norv Turner’s scarred cheeks and neck
• The University of Michigan, especially their colors, “Blue and Maize”
• The New York Jets, especially their crummy quarterbacks and coach named Tuna, and the New York Giants, too.
• Joe Theisman, especially his restaurant in Alexandria
• Mike Tyson
• Derek Jeter
• Sports announcer conversations about groin pull injuries
• The Salt Lake City Olympics
• Redskins owner Daniel Snyder
• Football coach Lou Holtz
• Katarina Witt, especially her Playboy layout