Humans, Human Life, and What We're All About (including a list of humans who defy explanation)

Annoying Things About Humans
• Certain shoes that make your socks scrunch down
• Nylons in summer
• Paper cuts
• Hepatitis, especially the particularly insidious Hepatitis C
• Multiple births resulting from fertility drug use, and especially the McCaughey septuplets
• stem cells and other words for them, like "pluripotent cells"
• Those nose strip things that keep your sinuses open and the people who wear them
• Spit, especially on sidewalks
• Pimples in your ear
• Mysterious production of nasal secretions during cold weather.
• Blisters, bunions, corns and calluses
• Birth control and its first cousin, ovulation
• Viagra, especially 3rd party payment issues and also celebrity revelations
• Hair in your face
• APOE genes
• Bodily functions, like vomiting and sitting on the toilet, portrayed in movies
• People who look at their earwax, except my dad. He can.
• The whole circumcision controversy, like men who want their foreskins back
• When you sit on a toilet seat and it’s wet.
• When soap gets in your eyes
• When soap gets up your nose
• How when you go to do some minute task your nose starts running or it itches or you sneeze.
• Internet-broadcast surgery like Carnie Wilson's
• Breast milk depositories and lactation centers and especially World Breastfeeding Awareness Week (Aug. 1-7, if you need to know)and ProMom, the non-profit for breastfeeding advocacy
• Dropping something
• When you’re reading a novel and you have to flip back to figure out who a character is or something that happened earlier
• Being sick and having to go out and buy medicine or food
• When you’re walking along and you see a pair of underwear on the sidewalk or along the road
• Bumping your head when you pick up something you drop
• Trying to read the paper when it’s windy
• When you reach for a paper clip and it’s tangled up with a bunch of others.
• Having to alphabetize stuff, like this list.
Humans Who Defy Explanation
• Tom Cruise
• Grover Norquist
• Liza Minelli
• David Gest
• US Senator Orrin Hatch, Composer & Musician (www.hatchmusic.com)
• Architect Frank Gehry
• Filmmaker Harmony Korine, whose picture "Gummo" was voted the worst film of the year. Mr. Korine's filmaking focuses on "ordinary freakishness" and prompts critics to use phrases like "stomach churning" to describe it. In one movie, a person is portrayed as wearing bunny ears while sitting on a toilet and playing an accordian.
• PR Tzar Gerald Cassidy, the Duck-Killer from Stafford County, Virginia
• Ira Rennick, who wanted to build a 42,000 square foot house with 2 bowling alleys and 29 bedrooms in the Hamptons
• Jay Lieberman, who is building a 12,000 foot home in the Hamptons with an $800 shower head and 9 and a half baths.
• The Fairfield, Iowa cat bashers
• Bungling Boulder DA Alex Hunter
• The Ramsey Family
• Marshall Applewhite, even though he’s dead up there with Bo Peep
• Columbia Falls Aluminum Company scumbag owner Brack Dukers
• Airbag thieves
• The jailed heiress who killed her polo playboy boyfriend
• The anti-tank toting Native American whale killers vs. the animal rights terrorist Sea Shepherd crew
• Michael Swango
• Eddie Fisher
• Eddie Fisher. Again.
• The family who lived in Warwick Towers, who caused three fires resulting in the entire building having to evacuate each time